Weigh in Wednesday

Well, it's that time again. I had been a little upset with myself for my weekend craziness. But, it happened, no sense in dwelling. I have worked my butt off at the gym, I went back to eating the way I was before the Whole30. I have energy. I feel great, especially after just two days. I started a new gym, I love it. They have they treadmills that you can hook your phone up to, and that you can run any course. I just so happened to run in New Zealand yesterday. I know, jealous right?? Yesterday was strictly cardio. I hadn't realized that I didn't shave my armpits... I didn't want people staring at my stumble.. Plus, cardio is probably my favorite way to sweat. Dripping sweat. That part always makes me happy, that's when you know that you are kicking ass.

On the left is Monday, and right Tuesday. I love this watch so much. I set my calorie goal in my head, and this sucker helps me get there. One of the best investments I have ever done.

I really need to get new running shoes. I am incredibly flat footed, the shoes that I have now, start hurting after a while. Any suggestions??

Okay anyways, back to the point.

On Monday morning, I weighed a whopping

266

As of this morning

264

I am so proud that I was able to get half the weight I gained off in just two days. Hopefully by next Wednesday, I will be down the other two.

I had a DietBet going on, since I gained the 4 lbs, I of course lost. But it looks like there is only one winner! So she gets the whole pot. How awesome?? I am wanting to start another one Monday. I will put the link up here.

I had a dream last night that I was pregnant with a girl. I really hope that dream doesn't come true any time soon. I want a baby, very badly. But, I also want to get this weight off of me before I try and have one. I want to be all cute and stuff. I want you to be able to tell that I am pregnant, not just fat. Plus, I don't want to get back up to 300 lbs. Too dangerous.

I honestly don't know how I never noticed how puffy I was all the time. I notice now if I am the slightest bit puffy. I was so incredibly unhealthy. I am not 100% now, but I am a million times better. That person would eat all day every day. I would get chicken express more than 3 times a week. Sometimes twice a day. That person was sick. I would could never understand why I was alone at that point in my life, and now I do. Looking back on the pictures, I was a blob. I never got that until I lost weight. Until I found something better than drowning myself in food. Self confidence and self worth, are way better than that fried chicken. This past month, I have learned so much about myself. No, I don't eat perfect. But, this is a work in progress. I don't eat terribly either. Sometimes I just want to give up, but, giving up is what got me to 317 lbs. Not believing in myself is what got me to 317 lbs. THAT person was weak. In life, you don't get to be weak. You can sit there and pity yourself. You can sit there and feel sorry for yourself, and try to make others feel sorry for you. But what does that do?? It doesn't change your situation.It just makes everyone else around you miserable, and not want to be around you. And honestly, why should anyone feel sorry for you? Unless you have a medical condition, it is your fault. I don't think I ever realized that. I never realized that I did that to myself. I also never realized that I hit 317 lbs, until I was at 317 lbs. In life, we are blinded by so many things. You don't want to come to the realization that you're a 'failure', that you are the issue. It is easier to blame someone else, or something else. Again, pointing fingers doesn't get you out of your situation. The only person that can do that is you. Yes, it is one of the HARDEST things you could ever go through. But, while I was taking pity on myself, I was just digging my whole deeper and deeper. Deeper and deeper into depression. Deeper and deeper into self hate. I never want to hate myself again. To have hate, already weighs heavy on your heart, but to hate yourself? You have to live with yourself. You're the only person you can't walk away from. So, I am running, not from myself, but to towards. To the person I know that I can be, the person I want to be. If you are going to do something, do it with your whole heart. There have been times where my heart just hasn't been in it, so I don't work at it. There won't be any more of those times. I know I will still have my bad days, where I feel ugly and fat, but, I can still pick my ugly fat self up and head to the gym. Everyone has a different story. Everyone copes differently. That's okay. It takes all kinds of kinds to make the world go round. The best stress relief, the best feeling, is when you can't walk out of the gym. If you need an escape, walla. No one is going to bother you, everyone is there to improve themselves. Pop those head phones in and just get lost in the workout. I actually have been looking forward to going to the gym. 

And on that note, I must bid you adieu.