So Let's Be Honest....

I cheated. I am a BIG. FAT. CHEATER. I write this blog for myself, I could tell you all "Oh my goodness, my holiday weekend was perfect. I didn't cheat one bit, blah blah blah bullshit bullshit bullshit." Realistically half the people that read this blog, know me. And1/4 of the people, saw what I ate this weekend. So let me just give you a re-cap.

I have decided to stop doing the Whole30 (Shocker, right?) Judge me. The first few days were difficult. Then it got really easy, at least for me. I ate bacon like it was going out of style. Last Tuesday, while I was at the vet I went to stand up, and fell to my knees. I couldn't see anything. I was completely dizzy. This happened twice while I was there. I know it wasn't that I was hungry, because I had just eaten some bacon and eggs. I had felt dizzy on and off. I don't know if it was the lack of carbs? If that's a thing? But I just couldn't do it any more. I ate Subway, and felt amazing. The next morning I woke up and had TONS of energy. I think once I am a lot smaller, I will try the diet again. I wasn't happy with the amount of weight that I had lost. 1 lb each weigh in while being on it. While I was staying in between my calorie goal of 1200-1400 I was losing an average of 4 lbs a week. That is what I want to see. That is what will keep me motivated. You just have to find what works for you, and that's what works for me. I still plan on implementing paleo foods. I found a lot of stuff that I actually like. I want to put some recipes on here. I will gather up some stuff this week. 

Now, on to the weekend.........

Okay, so I made a lot of bad choices over the holiday. Like BAD. 

One of them involving Hot dogs for breakfast, again, judge me. We drove down to Waco to spend the day with family. Where I ate my weight in queso, and orange creamsicle cookies. 

Yesterday, I woke up wanting a breakfast burrito. I then changed my mind to Tator Tots, and a Sausage sandwich from Sonic.  It was freaking Delicious. We then went and spent the day with the in-laws. Where I ate my weight, yet again, in 7 layer dip, and cookie cake. (cookie cake is my favorite, if my wedding cake was a cookie cake, I'd seriously be okay with that.) I then took 7 Layer dip to go, along with a big ass piece of Red Velvet Bundt Cake from Nothing But Bundts. (If you have never been there, I suggest you go.) 

So there you have it. As I look back on it, I really didn't eat THAT much. I'm just used to eating so little, that my stomach was like, bitch calm down. I did however throw up from eating all of the bad foods. I am not proud to admit this, but toilet water splashed in my eye. If I get pink eye, I gonna be PISSED. 

Let's talk about the damage. 4 lbs. Yup. I did it. I gained 4 effin' lbs. I am back on my grind today. I am going to go workout, I plan on burning no less than 1000 calories while I am at the gym. I won't leave until I do! I am ready to get back in this.

For the past few days, I have let thoughts enter my mind. I try and push them out, but they always creep back in. I saw a billboard the other day. "Weight loss surgery starting at $4,900". That instantly pissed me off, it was an advertisement from the surgeon that did my surgery. Naturally, I felt jipped, and had to go look. While I was looking for this so called $4,900, I found a weight loss revision procedure. I was curious. I read a little about it. It stated that if you have failed at your first attempt at weightloss surgery, or didn't lose as much as you wanted to, then this procedure was for you. I am always looking for fast ways. Who isn't? I won't say that it is an easy way out. Because it is not, and if you think that, you can get bent. I have been through it. It was the hardest thing I have ever put myself through. I was on a liquid diet for a month. It is just so mentally shocking. I went from eating Mucho Nachos and 4-5 brisket roll-ups to half a thing of the Mac-N-Cheese cups. It may not sound like a big deal, but when you go 20 years with an eating disorder, its a HUGE deal.  

I still keep debating on sending in my video for the biggest loser. The deadline is May 2nd. I guess I am just at odds with myself.

I am scared that I can't do this. That I will always sabotage myself in some way.

I just want to be happy in my own skin.

I want to have to search for criticism.

Queen Abee. My favorite thing is giving her something. It doesn't matter what it is, she takes a hold of it, and INSTANTLY falls in love. She knows no evil. To her, the end of the world is " You can't have that cookie". I envy that. I love her so much.

This is probably my favorite picture in the whole world. Kynlee Shae is perfect, from her head to her toes.

Dayton and I with the 'Easter Bunny'. I look so puffy. I cannot wait to look at a picture of myself and not focus on my damn gut.

It is time for celebration!!!!!

If you watch Game of Thrones, you are as happy as I am. I seriously don't think I have ever hated a character as much as I hate him. I just watched last weeks episode, so of course it is not news to anyone else. But, it is to me. I almost wanted to cry, happy tears of course. His death was beautiful.

And on that note, I must bid you adieu.