I'm not okay.

Here I am again, lost. 

On this repetitive cycle.

I'm laying here on the couch, listening to soulful music. My brain going a million miles an hour. I spent most of the day searching for podcasts on psychology and trauma. I keep a lot of things in my head because I feel it burdens others, or makes others feel down. But, as you know, this is my safe haven. 

I am not okay right now. And I wonder if I am ever 'okay', or if I am just numb? I suppress so many feelings and emotions, that they all come flooding out at once. We are taught to be strong, we are taught that life goes on. And it does, ultimately. But, I can't help but find myself in an absolute stand still. It always comes back to one thing. The pain that was afflicted on me as a young child. It's not something that can be forgotten, or moved on from so easily. Believe me, I have tried for 10 years now. I have masked so many thing, found things that would appease the hole that has been created. Its just a patch, and eventually it all comes crumbling down. I fight myself every day to push through and just keep going, which is what I should do. But, I shouldn't have to fight myself. Every. Single. Day. Thats not okay, and thats not a life to live. I shouldn't have to think about my shortcomings or why I'm not good enough multiple times a day. I was listening to a podcast today about a woman who was sexually abused for years. She made the statement that she was "dirty", used up and unwanted. And I don't think that I have ever realized that that is how I feel. When you look in the mirror, and all you see is how someone made you feel, you give up. And no matter how many times you tell yourself you're wrong, you can always convince yourself otherwise. I crave to be mentally healthy, I want to live a life where I don't need medication to get me through the day. I don't want to be dependent on my antidepressants. Missing a day of those, I might as well just not get out of bed. When I have my seasons, I am constantly searching for something to make it better. To help me out of the slump, something I can look forward to. I have built up anger. With every year that passes, more and more anger piles up. I'm angry that this pain was forced on me. I'm angry that I can't handle it. I'm angry that I can't get passed it. I'm angry that it consumes me. 

Mental health is the start of physical health. I want so bad to be both. 

I don't want to be seen as a victim. Victims are always portrayed as weak. I think that is partially what makes me weak. I've put on my brave face for years. You get certain looks as a victim, you know the face that you make when you see those PETA commercials? It also makes for awkward conversation, which only makes it harder to talk about. I have always been extremely transparent on here. 

Let me tell you the thoughts that I have as a 'victim'.

I am dirty. I am broken. I am unlovable. I don't get choices. I'm not meant to live a happy life. Looking in the mirror, thats as good as its going to get. Whats the point, you'll never be happy with yourself. I've talked about this too many times, I don't want to get on peoples nerves. Its too uncomfortable to talk about. 

I let it happen. I didn't stop it, I didn't tell. I kept going back. There has to be something wrong with me to allow this to happen. I am beyond damaged to be fixed. 

I scream at myself. What is so wrong in my brain that I can't move on? Peace within yourself shouldn't be this hard. 

I try to remember to appreciate all of the things that have fallen into place. The hate always consumes the appreciation. "It only does if you let it". Yeah.. Tell me how you don't let it? Because I've tried more than one way to fix this. I have pushed myself, I have cried, I have acted out, I have went to counseling.. What more can I do? 

Rollie pollie

And here it goes again. I have been writing this blog for weeks now. BUT, I deleted the previous saved post. Because I heard a line today (off This Is Us, go ahead judge me).
"Accept who you are in all your damaged glory".
And it really resignated with me.
And boy, am I damaged.
But, isn't most of the world damaged in some way?
The chemistry in my brain, for whatever God awful reason, is messed up. On the outside I try my hardest to cope with things like an adult. On the inside I am kicking and screaming, and cussing people. I have tried for so many years to figure out why I am the way that I am. Why in my moments of weakness, I am beyond weak. I give in at the drop of a hat. One bad day, one bad moment, its all over. I stub my toe on the desk and I'm immediately craving a cookie. How do you teach an old dog new tricks? For 27 years my brain has been wired this way. I have given in time after time, I allow myself to fail. I still get incredibly pissed, lecture myself, and then apparently develop a spout of amenesia about said lecture and eat the whole house.
I don't know at what moment enough will be enough. We are built to fail, but we are also built to succeed. And with success comes failure. I am impatient. When I want something, I want it NOW. I'm an only child, sue me. We live in a world where at the click of a button we get instant gratification. I feel like that really sets you up for disappointment. $200 worth of groceries in a click, hell, they'll even put that crap in your trunk, you don't even have undo your seatbelt. But where's my personal Chef who is going to cook all the healthy foods for me?
I always think to myself, well if I had all the moneys, I would have a chef and he would only cook me healthy meals and I would work out 9 hours a day and blah blah blah.
But in this fake reality I have conjured up, the actual fake reality would probably be I actually just have a Taco Bell attached to my garage.. Gah, even the alternate reality me is fat.

I think accepting yourself in all of your damaged glory happens in steps and different sections.
And I think you can accept yourself but still want Better and still strive for better. There's a difference between acceptance and complacency, at least in my opinion.
I accept the person that I am. I accept that I am a compulsive, narotic, controlling, judgey asshole. I am constantly wanting to be better and to do better. I don't think thats not accepting, I think that's more of just human nature, at least most humans.. "better, faster, stronger" And I see that in all aspects of myself. Not just weight loss. People say be who you want to be, look how you want to look, not how society thinks you should be. And I mean it could just be me, I want to look a certain way, but it's the way I want to look. It's not because society told me to look that way, it's what I find attractive. And I dont think there's anything wrong with that. I think the world has built this notion of what is attractive and what is not attractive, spun it and now you're shamed for liking something and for not liking something.
You do you, boo boo.

Anyways lets get real.
I have have fallen off the wagon.. like so far off. I fell off the wagon, over the side of a cliff, down a steep embankment, onto another wagon, and then fell off that wagon.
I have eaten like eating food is becoming extinct.
I have gained fifteen pounds.
FIFTEEN.
I haven't worked out.
You know like when your sitting/Haf way laying down on the couch and you go to get up, and you have to like rock back and forth full force a few times to get up? That is how I currently feel. Like I'm rocking back and forth full force, but i am going absolutely no where. I mean i can imagine its pretty funny to watch, but it kinds sucks. Damn Rollie Pollue Ollie over here.
It's a hump that I never get over.
An unrealistic goal ill never meet.
Faith. You always have to have faith.
And i do. After all this crap, I still have faith that one day it'll be different.

So, here i am. Picking my fat ass off the floor, for the 927496350127307102361847102 millionth time.
Because February is the new January. And starting over is always a good idea on a Monday. Ill find something that works. Something that sticks and makes me not want to give up after five minutes.
Because I can accept myself in all my damaged glory and still want more.

And on that note, i bid you adieu.