Yesterday was a tough day for me. Aunt Flo came to visit, so naturally I was all puffed up. Last night was a special night though. K'lynn is home. So, we had to of course go and eat. I was getting ready, and decided to put on a shirt that I had worn to Kynlee Shae's gender reveal party. It. Didn't. Fit. Mind you, Kynlee is only 5 months old. The party was in May? I felt absolutely terrible. All of a sudden I turned into this 800 lb woman in the mirror. I loathed myself. I promised myself that I would LOSE 20 lbs before she got here, not gain it. One of the worst feelings in the world is failure. What's even worse than that? Knowing that YOU'RE the reason that you failed. I just cried. I'm not dwelling, because that does no good. But all I wanted to do in that moment was cry. The type of cry where the tears just keep coming, I didn't even bother to wipe them off. I felt helpless. I felt defeated. The fat me had taken completely over. I have had my down days lately, but not like this. A sense of lost came over me, and is still over me today. Today is a brand new day of course, and I am going to treat it as such. Food is my comfort. Right now, I want a big a bowl of biscuits and gravy. But, food is what did this to me. Food is what made me feel lost. I am the only thing that can help me find my way. I need to glue a damn compass to my head. I am so tired of getting lost. I am so tired of things being so hard. It is literally a battle that I will have to fight the rest of my life. One day I will come to terms with that. Its one step at a time. One day at a time. THE TIME WILL PASS ANYWAYS. Why can I not get that through my head? Or that food is JUST food. It is there to keep you fueled. It's not supposed to help you through tough times, that's what people are for. I know all of these things, but why do I not TRULY know all of these things? Everyone needs support. I want/need it more than anything. Ultimately, this has to come from me. Someone can't be with me 24/7 babysitting what food I eat. I mean, I'd be willing to take any volunteers. I guess this time is different. I'm ready, but not ready. But, more ready than not ready. I know, it doesn't make ANY sense. Today, I officially started the Advocare challenge over. Dayton is doing it with me, because he is the best boyfriend. Ever.
Never try to take a selfie when you feel like a bloated whale... it's not pretty. I didn't even hit the capture button. Couldn't bring myself to do it. I am hoping this time next week, I am writing about how awesome I feel.
I quote Mean girls quite often, Dayton just looks at me. And then I have to re-evaluate our relationship. Like who are you? But then again, he quotes Cool Runnings on the daily, and I'm like... Por Que? (In my best Lloyd Christmas' voice). I have a thing for movie quotes in case you haven't noticed. That was one thing My dad and I shared. Movies. Especially Adam Sandler. The good years.
Mama was a very wise woman.
He is my magic ray of sunshine.
And on that note, I must bid you adieu.
I think you are beautiful, you smell like pine needles and look like Cinderella!
ReplyDeleteI just came across your blog recently. Reading this post made me sad! It's crazy how hard we are on ourselves as women. We also tend to think that no one else has felt the way we have felt, that it seems easier for everyone else to stick to their diet. We ALL have failures. Just keep on keeping on and pick yourself back up. Your honesty and openness is so inspiring. I too, go toward food as comfort and it took some time for me to be open enough to admit it. :) I just started the Advocare 24 day challenge on Monday, March 10th and I am currently training for a half marathon. I'm hoping both efforts will move me toward a healthier lifestyle. I'm at www.swopesinshape.blogspot.com if you want to check me out. :) I'm now officially following your blog and very thankful for your honesty. Keep up the hard work! :)
ReplyDeleteI have tried to reply so many times! Lol. Thank you so much for your kind words. It means so much! I have failed many many times. But luckily I get right back up. I had to put the challenge on pause for a bit. Not feeling too well. But once I figure out what is going on with me, I will get right back on the saddle. And I am now officially following you!!!
DeleteYay! :)
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