Why God gave us a boy.

I can't tell you how many times I have attempted to write this post.
I get in the middle of writing, something comes up, I stop, come back the next day. After re-reading what I had wrote, I delete it. It's a new day. I have umpteen new feelings.
One consistent feeling that I have been having over the past few weeks, is worry.
An instance happened, not in my life, but in an others, that really made me think.
ANYTHING can happen. It doesn't matter who, what, where, when or how, it can happen. I took it very personally, given the situation I am in.
This is the single most stressful thing I have ever gone through.
Growing a human is like something I could've never imagined.
I come up with all sorts of scenarios in my head. I won't share them, because I am sure someone would report me to the psych ward.
I worry that I don't feel him enough. I worry if I have a growing pain. I worry that I am leaking fluid. I worry that the cord is going to wrap around his neck. I worry every possible worry there is to worry about while pregnant.
When I was younger, people would ask "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Well, I honestly never knew. I came up with sonography. Why? Because one day, after I had surgery on my foot? Maybe? A lady had told me that her daughter had went to school for that. I think I was ten. After that day, I just rolled with it. I never WANTED to do it, it just sounded good. Then it became, a nurse, a day care owner, back to nurse, then teacher.
The one thing that I have ALWAYS, for certain, known is that I wanted to be a Mom.
That is truly all I have ever wanted. I wanted a girl. I wanted that bond that my mother and I have. I wanted to share that with a mini me. I wanted to show that little girl, all the love in the whole world. Teach her to be strong, teach her how to love without boundaries, teach her how to be independant. All my life, it has been my mother and I. My mother and father didn't get a divorce until I was about 9-10ish. Even then, he was never around. He was at work, and when he wasn't there, he was sleeping.
After everything happened with him, I felt that I was better off.
After looking back at my childhood, I realized that my mom, was in fact, my mother and my father. She was what held me. She supported me, in every way. I think that has made me the woman that I am today. I didn't NEED my father. I didn't NEED a man to support me. For the longest time, I would always think, if I had a baby right now, I would raise her on my own. Because you don't NEED a father figure. Because I didn't NEED my father, he wasn't there for me. My MOTHER taught me.
I honestly never thought I would get married. I don't know why. Just never did.
Now that I have grown up, I see things in a different light.
Up until last year, I wanted a girl. More than anything.
And then, Sara had Kynlee.
My heart changed. I was supposed to have the girl, she the boy. And they were supposed to get married.
Now, that would be considered incest.
I don't know why my heart changed.
But, I do know this.
God gave me this boy.
To raise him into a man. A man that will know right from wrong.
That will be a gentleman.
That will take care of all of those who enter his life.
To never hurt nor neglect his family.
To love without boundaries.
To put others first.
To be just like HIS daddy.
The way a man is supposed to be.


He's not even here yet, and the love I have for him, is greater than anything I have ever felt.
Every ache is worth it.
Every kick, every flutter, every other weird feeling I have in my stomach, is the greatest feeling.
I am who he counts on. From 24 weeks ago, for the rest of my life.

And on that note, I must bid you adieu.

 

Something I haven't done in a while.

I don't even remember the last time I blogged. I suppose I could go back and look, but who has time for that? Blogging used to be something that I look forward to everyday. And now, I look forward to it in several months. I miss it. But, I feel as if I have nothing to talk about any more. I'm not out there trying to lose weight. People want to see progress, the only progress I have to give is about the baby in the belly. Which to me, is FANTASTIC.

I have lost about 20 plus (?) followers on instagram since becoming pregnant. I get it, people want someone they can relate to. Well, I would like to brand those people "fair weather followers". Hey, if you don't want to see how amazing my child is going to be, get to stepping. :) 

Which brings us to some updates. 

I think last time I had let everyone know that I had a cyst, and the doctor was monitoring me at every appointment to make sure it didn't grow. 

At my last appointment, the cyst went from a whopping 10 cm to a slightly smaller 8 cm. We of course are all very pleased with this. Hopefully next time, it will be even less.

At this particular appointment, the 3 lovely great grandmothers came. We had planned out to have a gender reveal, and those 3 were the ones that were going to find out. Don't even get me started on those 3. Those three are the most amazing women on this planet. (Besides the moms). They do anything and everything for us, and have gone above and BEYOND anything we could ever imagine these past couple of months. I am FOREVER grateful for them. Baby Holland has no clue how loved he is going to be. 

ANYWHO, back to the appointment. The doc pulled the sono screen away from Dayton and I, she searched for a little bit, and then said. "I won't be able to tell what the baby is today. It's knees are up, legs crossed, and it's sitting on it's feet". I was absolutely divested. For a number of reasons. 

1. We had already sent invitations. (Luckily it was also "reception" for us as well)

2. I didn't get to see my baby but for maybe 10 seconds? Heard the heartbeat for 5. I had waited five weeks for this appointment. I was ready to marvel at the beautiful creation that was growing in my belly. 

3. I felt like the doc didn't try. Like it wasn't important to her. Maybe she was in a hurry, I work with docs, I know how they can be. 

4. I discovered my child is a turd. 

5. My next appointment would be in FIVE more weeks. The doc had something to do the week I was set to come back, so we had to push it to the next week. That probable killed me the most. 

So we leave, I cry and cry all damn day. 

The next day while, I called and asked Dayton if we could please get another sonogram somewhere else. Because, lets face it, I am a brat. (Only Child Syndrome) 

He finally says yes. 

I arrive first, and get ready. 

The lady places the machine on my belly and BAM. She knows what the turd is. She waits to tell me until Dayton arrives. 

It was the hardest less than a week of my life. We kept the surprise to ourselves. No one knew we even had a sono. It was almost crippling not to be able to tell anyone. My best friend was like lets just go do another sono, I had to be like no no... YUP, didn't even tell my BEST friend. My granny texts me right after the sono, "Are you okay Darling?" The Darling got me. I wanted to pick up the phone immediately and be like OMG ITS A......

But, I refrained. I am super proud of myself. 

We did the reception as planned. 

At the very end, we opened presents. As I was opening the last present, I asked for everyones attention. Gave my big ol' lovely speech. And popped open the box. 

Out came...

WE ARE HAVING A BOY!!!!!!!!!!!

And couldn't be any happier about it!

It's a good thing too, cuz I had already bought boy stuff, long before we knew.

 This was how ecstatic my Granny was. I LOVE this.

This baby boy is going to be the most loved baby boy in the whole world.

Nothing in this world makes me happier than knowing I have this little guy to look forward too. He moves constantly, I feel his little kicks throughout the day, and it makes me complete.

I can't imagine the feeling that I will get when he is born. But, I know that nothing can ever touch it. He is our first, our boy, and the greatest thing to ever happen to us.

I am surprised that I am actually getting a "bump".

I am 18 weeks. Starts a new week every Tuesday. ALMOST half way there!

I have fluctuated with weight. On my worst day, I have gained 5 lbs. But, mostly it has just been 2. I am extremely happy with that.

With all the emotions I have, it is hard not to be down on myself. I know I am growing a human in my belly, I will gain weight. Its inevitable. Most of it is in my head. I feel huge.

But, I know its for a good cause.

And on that note, I must bid you adieu.

Reflection.

It's clearly no surprise that I haven't been here in a while. Of course I have thought about it, blogging had become such a big part in my life. And now, just 9 short weeks ago, my life changed from losing weight, to trying to maintain my weight with a baby inside of me. I have done that, I haven't gained any weight. When I was going on my crazy emotional kick, I put on about 5 lbs. But since those 5 lbs, I have been holding steady. I am hoping that 300 doesn't happen. 

I guess I can update you on how I feel. 

I am nauseated. EVERY second of EVERY day. I don't throw up. I have never been one to throw up. My body will feel like it, but then I guess it changes its mind. I get tired occasionally. Like any normal person. Other than those two things, I feel amazing. I am happy. Like I was meant to do this whole pregnancy thing. I for sure thought I was going to be an emotional wreck, and who knows, I still could be. I mean I cry at country songs, but that's just because they make me think about how much I love Dayton. So other than crying over country tunes, I have felt great. I don't get as agitated like I used to. Which, if you know me, you know that I freaking lose it half the time. Between mine and Dayton's anxiety, this kid is doomed. 

Week 3 and Week 9

No difference, I don't think at least.

I am obsessed with looking up plus size pregnancy pictures.

Some people will post pictures of them at 6 weeks.

Uhm, you are about 300 lbs, your little blueberry is not gonna make you show at 6 weeks.

Speaking of a little blueberry.

This is Doodle Holland.

The sonogram was on 6/16/2014

When I was 7 weeks.

Heartbeat was about 160-170. We weren't able to hear it, but we could sure see that sucker go.

At the appointment, we found out that I have a cyst on my right ovary.

She said the norm is about 3 cm. Mine is 10.

She wasn't too concerned about it, so I am trying not to be either. She said that usually when the placenta grows more, it will lean on the cyst and pop it. When I told her that I wasn't in pain, she was very surprised. She wants to keep an eye on it, so I go back on the 14th, and get another sono. Until we figure out whats up, no heavy lifting, extraneous activities or working out.

Now, time for my reflection.

Two years ago, on July 10th? Maybe.

Was my Gastric Sleeve surgery. It feels like it has been years. I got a little emotional thinking about it. That surgery was supposed to change my life forever. And like everything else, I prevented it from happening. Why? Because I have an addiction. Food makes me feel every emotion under the sun. I hate that I failed myself. Yes, I did go a long way. 75 lbs is a HUGE loss. But, as they always say, comparison will be the death of you. One of my closest friends got the surgery. And she still looks amazing. I had more to lose than her, but she kicked fats ass. She even had a baby, and is still rocking it. And I'm over here, being all fat. I don't doubt that the surgery changed my life. It gave me confidence. Confidence I never knew could exist. I became a different person. A stronger version of myself. I wish that I would have let myself continue on the path that I was going on. I ate right, I ate the amount that I should. And then I just stopped. For no reason at all. Maybe subconsciously I thought I've come this far, I'll continue to lose it. I still didn't eat a lot. But, I didn't realize it was what I was eating that was getting me. I also started going out more, and drinking a lot. Empty calories. I believe that all of that contributed to my failure. I say I would do it again in a heartbeat, because I would. BUT, I would get that counseling that I was warned about. You can take the girl out of the fat, but you can't take the fat out of the girl. I believe being fat is 100% emotional for me. I can work my ass off, I've done it a million times, but, its the before and after work outs. I hear so many people say, "oh, you wont want to eat bad after you work out". Lies. I want to eat bad even when I don't want to eat bad. It's a fall back. I feel like I will miss out on food. Like that food will never be made again, and it is my absolute last chance to ever eat it. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I am telling you, that is how I feel. My mind is completely altered. I pray that after this baby, that I will be able to get back on track, to eat right, and get to my healthy point. I don't want my child growing up with the same issues that I have had since I can remember. Lead by example. I can't expect for my child to be healthy and not get fat, when I am fat and not healthy. It is going to be an even longer process now, and I THINK I am ready for it. 

I am going to focus on my pregnancy, and then after, being a #fitmom. 

And on that note, I must bid you adieu.  

 

Not so Weigh-in Wednesday

Obviously I am not going to do weigh-in Wednesdays any more. I would prefer not to torture myself while I am already an emotional wreck. I have been thinking of new things. My blog is taking a turning point. It will no longer be about ME and my weightloss journey. For the time being, it's about little doodle, and what I can do to keep US healthy, what cool things I can find on pinterest, and me dreaming of the day I find out what 'it' is. We desperately want a boy. I used to only want girls. The bond that my mom and I share is something special. I wanted that first, I wanted for my daughter to know how that feels. Of course, I still want that. I just want it after my boy. :) Two of my SILs would like for it to be a girl. Which would be amazingly cute. Each one of them have a girl, Queen Abee and Princess Kynlee. The babies will have almost the same age difference, about 15 months. Abee being the oldest. So you can imagine how precious all the matching will be. BUT, I still want a boy. 

Back to the blog. I want to re-vamp that whole thing. Re-name and re-focus.After the baby is born, I want to of course get back on track, I will have more to lose (hopefully not that much more). Doodle will of course make a daily appearance. I want it to be focused on a wife, a mother, and the weightloss. 

Now that Hubby Jack has hung up his hat, I will have to find a new blog designer. Or maybe do it myself. Hopefully it won't be too too ghetto ;)

I am not sure when this is going to happen, but, when you see a new name, just know it's still me. Just added focuses..   

There is a possibility that doodle could be twins. It runs in the family. When my aunt was pregnant the first time, it was twins. She unfortunately lost them. When my mother went in for a procedure, she had two eggs, which would have turned into twins.

I am hoping that it will skip a generation. But, you never know. One of my closest friends is having twins. She is super excited.

I would just be in a huge state of shock for about 8 months.

My very first appointment is Monday. We will know if there is one or two, and just how far I actually am. Fingers crossed its further than what I think I am. :)

And on that note, I must bid you adieu.

 

Life Changing Events.

So much has happened in the past three weeks. I'm talking life changing events.

You already know about my engagement. Well, shortly after the ring came in the picture, and I mean VERY shortly after, something amazing happened. My last few blogs have been a little, I guess you would call it, "emotional". And I was feeling every bit of it, every day. Crying for no reason, just getting upset at the stupidest things. I am a pretty emotional person, but not THAT emotional. I knew something was up. And then, I started to cramp about a week before Aunt Flo was scheduled to come around. I do not cramp before. The day of, throughout, and then it stops. So, another strange thing happening. There are a few other things, but I don't want to gross anyone out. 

I decided to take a test. If you know me, I am a VERY impatient person. I do not like to wait. I took a test, WAYYY to early, nothing. The next day, STILL early, I take another one. 

This comes out. I know what you're thinking, uhmm theres nothing there. Well, if you take out your magnifying glass, put on your contacts, your glasses, find your monocle, and squint really hard, you will see that there is the faintest little pink line, right next to the darker one.

I honestly thought it was my eyes playing tricks on me. That they were mirroring the darker line. I ran and woke Dayton up. He of course, didn't believe that it was possible. I had to show him (on the Internet of course) that a faint line, is in fact a positive. I literally took a test EVERY day until Flo was supposed to come in. And, every day, the line got darker and darker.

6-7 tests later, after this big ol' fat positive, we were pretty sure. I had already been looking up plus size pregnancies. Because of course I am worried about my weight. What it can do to me, and the baby. I know the risks.

As you all know, I wanted to drop my weight before I got pregnant. I didn't want to be this huge pregnant girl, where you can't even tell I'm 7 months pregnant. I wanted the cute little belly bump. But, as everyone knows. God works in mysterious ways. He decided that Dayton and I needed little doodle in our lives. I couldn't be happier. Yes, I would prefer to be about 70 lbs lighter. All I can do, is focus on not putting on a ton of weight. And when doodle arrives, I can focus on getting the "Baby Weight" off, and THEN some.

It's absolutely crazy how things work out. I get engaged, and find out that we are having a baby all in the same week.

After discussing our options, and one full day of me looking up wedding venues for next year, we decided that the JP would be the best option for us. Spending $10,000 or more that we don't have, on a wedding, just didn't seem logical.

I would much rather spend the money on our baby.

We got our marriage license last Monday, and set up to be married for the following Monday. We didn't get married because of the baby, we just pushed it, because of the baby. It makes sense to us. We both agreed that having the same last name on everything, would just make our lives easier. I didn't want to stress about anything. I just want a smooth pregnancy.

Plus, I get to marry my best friend.

We are starting a family. Having a REAL baby, not just a fur baby. They are being super sweet lately. Ace is cuddling a lot more, I wonder if he senses changes?

Monday, June 9, 2014 at 1:00 PM, we got married.

It was very simple. Just the family was there.

We took pictures, talked, and then had the "ceremony".

The JP asked if we would prefer the short version or the long. I chose the long. My Grandpa wanted to hear us, when they got married at the JP, they chose the short version. In the short version, you don't exchange rings or anything.

After we said our goodbyes to everyone, we took a stroll downstairs to the clerks office to get our license.

They. Freaking. Lost. It.

I have been married for 5 seconds, and you lose the most important thing?!?

I had to sit down, I didn't want to go all cray on them in a courthouse..

They figured out what had happened. They gave it to some boy who had just gotten his birth certificate. Now, how you confuse an envelope that CLEARLY states "Marriage License", with WEDDING bells on it, I will never know. Luckily, the boy was still there.

We then proceeded to the SS office to change my name. The boy was also there.

We went to the DPS to get my drivers license changed as well. The boy was also there.

The first 'selfie' as Husband and Wife.

After running all of our errands, we went to Dickey's BBQ to eat. I know. Classiest wedding EVER.

It may not have been the "Ideal" thing to do, but, it was perfect to me.

And we ended that perfect night with a Rangers Game.

Even though they lost, MISERABLY, I still had a blast.

The crowd was amped, it just felt like so much positive energy everywhere.

Now, I am a wife and soon to be mother.

There is nothing in this world that I would rather be. There is no place in the world that I would rather be. I have found the one whom my soul loves.

And on that note, I must bid you adieu.

  

That one time I got ENGAGED.

I had an extremely eventful weekend.

I got ENGAGED!!! Whoop whoop. I seriously thought this would never happen. I mention it all the time, and the only reply is "Nice weather we are having".

Let me break it down for you.

On Saturday, Dayton brought up going to Botanical Gardens. I was like okay.. Not that I minded to go, just a little odd. When we got there, we walked around and went into the Japanese Gardens. It was really pretty, but kinda busy. We sat on a bench and watched the Coy fish swim around and fight over dog food. We walked around a little more. It was a little warm, so I was getting super pissy. About the time I was ready to leave, Dayton wanted to get our picture taken. It took him forever to get a spot, so that made me more pissy. Then we finally found a nice older couple to take our picture. As we are posing, the old man says "This lighting is not good, it's dark and you can't see anything." My thoughts were, "Hey, old man, this is my picture, if I want it dark, it can be dark." So they led us to another spot. This time, it was too bright. Went to another spot. We took a couple of pictures, and then Dayton turns to me.

He got down on one knee.

"What are you doing?"

Then he goes on with his speech. I am bawling my eyes out. All I want him to do is stand up so I can hug him.

The old man got pictures of the whole thing.

I am so extremely grateful. Now we have those memories documented forever.

The ring is EXACTLY what I wanted. It is absolutely perfect.

We already have a date set.

I have never wanted anything more, than to be married and start a family with this man.

My family is ecstatic. They all love Dayton so much.

This year and a half has been the happiest time of my life.

My life is completely, complete. :)

And on that note, I must bid you adieu.

I'm opting out.

Everyone knows what today is, BUT I chose to opt out. No, I didn't gain. I have just been bloated for the past week. I am giving myself permission to opt out of one weigh-in per month. I think you ladies can agree with that one. I have set my alarm for 5 am for the past two days. I am wanting to do 2-a-days. I have yet to be successful. But setting my alarm is the first step, right?? I plan on doing it again tonight. And going to bed even earlier than last night. It comes to the point to where I just need to MAKE myself get up. A wise young lady once told me to put my Big girl panties on. I am going to do just that. Aubrey @ ALG Uninterrupted always says to trust the process. I need to start listening to her. Afterall, these women kick some serious ass, so they kinda know what they are talking about. 

I have been on a pity party for about a week now. I need to get over it. I WILL get over it. Y'all all want progress, and obviously so do I. So, I plan on giving you some. Because, I'm just a giver like that. :)

Oh, in exactly 16 days, it will be my BIRTHDAY!!

I know, I know, best day of everyones life. You're welcome.

Oddly like every dance gif out there is T-swift..

Anyways, I will be 23. I imagined myself in a much different place at this age. Life doesn't go quite like we planned. And thats okay sometimes. When I was little, I wasn't like most kids. I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up. I still don't know what I want to be. I see people I graduated with, already graduating College, a lot of them with their bachelors. One of my very best friends is almost done with her Masters. That's so insane! And I'm still trying to find me. I think one of the harshest things about growing up, is letting go of the life you've planned and excepting the life that is meant for you. I still get all depressed when I think about the fact that I have been graduated for 5 whole years now, and haven't accomplished anything academic wise. I am still in school, five years later. Mostly goofing off. But, I have a great job. My mom doesn't support me. I pay my bills. I own my car. Bleh. All of these things sound just AWFUL. Being an adult sucks. I have worked since I turned 16. Everything I have, I've earned. I am SUPER proud of that. Sometimes I struggle. Actually lets be honest, most of the time I struggle. But, I feel like it makes me appreciate things more. If everything had been handed to me when I was younger, I don't think I would be the same person I am today. I don't expect anything from anyone. I can be a brat. BUT, who isn't sometimes. I feel like I was raised the right way. I don't take things for granted. I may throw a little tantrum if I don't get what I want, but it only lasts for a minute.





And on that note, I must bid you adieu.

 

#thestruggleisreal

There are days when I think that I feel like my goals are absolutely unattainable. There are days that its so bad, that I think, What's the point?  Most of the time I convince myself that I am right. Every day is a struggle. Every. Freaking. Day. I don't ever imagine myself at my goal. Most of the time I look at the flat tummies and think, "Well, I will never look like that, so what IS the point?" And in reality, I won't ever look like that. I will have my loose skin. I will have stretchmarks. I question whether I will ever be comfortable in my own skin. I remember a time where I was, not too long ago. But, I forget that feeling. I forget how happy I was with my body. That it kept changing. I feel for every step forward, I take 5 steps backward. I hate that I can't get my shit under control. A huge factor that makes me think this, is because of how low my belly is. I can lose weight under the boobs ALL day long. But my lower belly doesn't budge. I HATE it, it makes me hate myself sometimes. When I was at my lowest weight, I was only 2 sizes smaller in pants. At an 70-80 lbs loss. Most people, when they lose that much weight, they lose about 4 sizes. I could wear an XL comfortably. I can still where an XL, just not AS loose. It would fit loose at the top, and just right on my belly. It's embarrassing. Not only for how it looks, but that I let myself get to this point. What in our lives goes so wrong that you just keep digging that hole? Until you're stuffed so tightly, that you can't move. You either slowly wiggle your way out, or you continue to bury yourself. Lately I have been feeling that the dirt is up to my mouth. Like I am suffocating. I'm suffocating with all of my negative thoughts towards myself. Suffocating with all of the stresses that come with it. I have felt emotionally defeated this past week. The littlest things have set me off into a crying fest. I am so tired of being dependent on food. I am so tired of letting food defeat me. It's like I get lost, and I don't know how to find my way back. And then when I do, I feel like I've strayed too far off path. And ugh, theres that hole again.

I know that it is possible to lose weight. I see it every day. I see it in such inspiring people. The crazy thing is, I've done it. But, I had a crutch. Of course, it wasn't mentally easy. But the weight fell off. Now that it doesn't, it messes with me. I want it more than anything. But then again, why don't I DO it. I am the only person that is stopping myself. I am the only one who can make my ass move. So, why? Why am I not moving my ass? Why am I not pushing through those cravings. It's not the end of the world if I don't get a piece of chocolate. So why do I FEEL like it is? WHY WHY WHY?

I have wasted many second chances. WAYYYY too many. It's starts with today, and it starts with me. I need to push with everything in me.

I need to remind myself every day, what I want the most. There is nothing to be afraid of. I will get there, I will push through all of my own negativity.

And this is what happened Friday. I LOVE it.

Just remember.

And on that note, I must bid you adieu.

A Gain and a Loss

So, over the weekend, I indulged in whatever the hell I wanted. And it came at a price.

A Whopping 7 lb price.

S-E-V-E-N.

There are seven days in a week, there shouldn't be seven lbs to be gained in a weekends time.

#youfatbitch

I will say, I think most of that was salts and cokes. There isn't an excuse for it, except that it was freaking Delicious.  

My DietBet started Monday. I always made goals this week. And I have stuck by them. I have drank at least a gallon of water each day. Which brings me to my next point.

That beautiful beautiful water helped me drop 6 lbs.

"It's just water weight"

Well, negative Nancy, it's STILL weight.

So I am 265! Only one lb more than last week. I will take it. No complaints what-so-ever.

SW: 275

CW: 265

GW: 199

I changed my goal weight to 199. Just because my blog BFF, Jasmine @ Fleurty and Fit, Wrote a wonderful blog about 80's. She hit that 189 mark, get it? Well being a 90's baby, I want to do that. I think it's such a fun idea. Go check it out, HERE.

So, I now have 66 more lbs to go. It's gonna happen. 

However long it takes, it'll happen.

This week I am feeling so sluggish. I don't know what it is. I have a lot of emotions going through me. I am letting words of certain people affect me, when I shouldn't. I am letting a lot of hate build up. Which weighs me down tremendously. It's not so easy to walk away when you kinda... can't. All I can do is focus on our happiness. And do everything I can to keep us there. 

I have some ideas that I want to mess with. I think that will be my weekend. There are alot of things that I want to do. Most of it involving crafting.

Also, there is a big surprise coming. No one knows about. Except for like 2 people. Everyone will know on Friday.

Just have to keep reminding myself how far I've gone.

And on that note, I must bid you adieu.

Generic Weekend Post.

So, real talk. My weekend gave me some poundage. I lost all control. If it was food, I ate it. I made food my freakin' bitch this weekend.

Gah, why is food so good? It's seriously all a blur. I couldn't tell you what I ate. I know there was some nachos and some cookie cake.

DietBet starts TODAY. $225 in the pot! There's some motivation!

I got the cutest lunch box. I am going to start bringing my lunch this week. I have set small goals.

1. Drink AT LEAST a gallon of water a day.

2. Stick with my 1200-1400 Calorie intake.

3. Workout 4-5 times a week.

4. No Sweet tea. I hate empty calories. I feel like that is where I pack on a lot of my weight.

This is legit. "Kaela, what do you want to do today?" "Uhmmm Eat?"

If only losing weight was as easy as gaining it. It seems like everything revolves around food. FOOD FOOD FOOD. Every holiday. Any get together. You can't even go to the movies without food. I know that it's up to me to choose the better choice. It's just so hard when this bitch is over here eating cheese fries, and I'm all like, uhh chicken and broccoli please. ( You know who you are ;)  )

It all stems back to willpower and self control. Which I am HIGHLY lacking in.

Food is the devil. If I could live off of protein shakes, I would. But, I hate them, and liquid never gets me full. Or at least, I make myself think that.

Just have to get on the ball. I am hoping I can make a purchase on Friday that will give me a little push! We shall see.

And on that note, I must bid you adieu.

Misery Loves Company.

There have been times where I have just been rock bottom sad. Where I think the world is over, I can't go on any longer. Yada Yada Yada. There has NEVER been a time, where I have put my hurt and my misery onto someone else. 

1.) Why feel the need to bring others down? Just because you are a miserable basket case, doesn't mean everyone around you would like to join you. 

2.) Others people's happiness actually makes me happy. Crazy right? 

3.) Being miserable with yourself, is most likely YOUR fault. Don't punish everyone else around you. 

Number one reason why I am not miserable.  

This man has lifted me up and made me the happiest lady in the world. He is just right for me, and I him. We RARELY fight. And contrary to popular belief, we actually make decisions TOGETHER. I do not keep him from anything. I do not control him. We want the same things. We share common interests ( Most of the time). We support OURSELVES. Next month marks us being together for 1 1/2 years. No kids yet. I'd say that's #winning.  He understands my crazy moments. You know the "Oh my god, Why didn't you tell me I was fat today?!?!". He doesn't judge the stupid things I say. And trust me, there are some doozies.  

Told ya.

  

I had a huge long post written out.

One thing that REALLY bothers me, is when someone questions my character. If you haven't taken the time to get to know me, then don't take the time to ASSume. I guess I expected people I don't know to be negative towards my blog, not people that surround me. 

But, it is MY blog. MY thoughts. 

   

And on that note, I must bid you adieu.