And here it goes again. I have been writing this blog for weeks now. BUT, I deleted the previous saved post. Because I heard a line today (off This Is Us, go ahead judge me).
"Accept who you are in all your damaged glory".
And it really resignated with me.
And boy, am I damaged.
But, isn't most of the world damaged in some way?
The chemistry in my brain, for whatever God awful reason, is messed up. On the outside I try my hardest to cope with things like an adult. On the inside I am kicking and screaming, and cussing people. I have tried for so many years to figure out why I am the way that I am. Why in my moments of weakness, I am beyond weak. I give in at the drop of a hat. One bad day, one bad moment, its all over. I stub my toe on the desk and I'm immediately craving a cookie. How do you teach an old dog new tricks? For 27 years my brain has been wired this way. I have given in time after time, I allow myself to fail. I still get incredibly pissed, lecture myself, and then apparently develop a spout of amenesia about said lecture and eat the whole house.
I don't know at what moment enough will be enough. We are built to fail, but we are also built to succeed. And with success comes failure. I am impatient. When I want something, I want it NOW. I'm an only child, sue me. We live in a world where at the click of a button we get instant gratification. I feel like that really sets you up for disappointment. $200 worth of groceries in a click, hell, they'll even put that crap in your trunk, you don't even have undo your seatbelt. But where's my personal Chef who is going to cook all the healthy foods for me?
I always think to myself, well if I had all the moneys, I would have a chef and he would only cook me healthy meals and I would work out 9 hours a day and blah blah blah.
But in this fake reality I have conjured up, the actual fake reality would probably be I actually just have a Taco Bell attached to my garage.. Gah, even the alternate reality me is fat.
I think accepting yourself in all of your damaged glory happens in steps and different sections.
And I think you can accept yourself but still want Better and still strive for better. There's a difference between acceptance and complacency, at least in my opinion.
I accept the person that I am. I accept that I am a compulsive, narotic, controlling, judgey asshole. I am constantly wanting to be better and to do better. I don't think thats not accepting, I think that's more of just human nature, at least most humans.. "better, faster, stronger" And I see that in all aspects of myself. Not just weight loss. People say be who you want to be, look how you want to look, not how society thinks you should be. And I mean it could just be me, I want to look a certain way, but it's the way I want to look. It's not because society told me to look that way, it's what I find attractive. And I dont think there's anything wrong with that. I think the world has built this notion of what is attractive and what is not attractive, spun it and now you're shamed for liking something and for not liking something.
You do you, boo boo.
Anyways lets get real.
I have have fallen off the wagon.. like so far off. I fell off the wagon, over the side of a cliff, down a steep embankment, onto another wagon, and then fell off that wagon.
I have eaten like eating food is becoming extinct.
I have gained fifteen pounds.
FIFTEEN.
I haven't worked out.
You know like when your sitting/Haf way laying down on the couch and you go to get up, and you have to like rock back and forth full force a few times to get up? That is how I currently feel. Like I'm rocking back and forth full force, but i am going absolutely no where. I mean i can imagine its pretty funny to watch, but it kinds sucks. Damn Rollie Pollue Ollie over here.
It's a hump that I never get over.
An unrealistic goal ill never meet.
Faith. You always have to have faith.
And i do. After all this crap, I still have faith that one day it'll be different.
So, here i am. Picking my fat ass off the floor, for the 927496350127307102361847102 millionth time.
Because February is the new January. And starting over is always a good idea on a Monday. Ill find something that works. Something that sticks and makes me not want to give up after five minutes.
Because I can accept myself in all my damaged glory and still want more.
And on that note, i bid you adieu.
"Accept who you are in all your damaged glory".
And it really resignated with me.
And boy, am I damaged.
But, isn't most of the world damaged in some way?
The chemistry in my brain, for whatever God awful reason, is messed up. On the outside I try my hardest to cope with things like an adult. On the inside I am kicking and screaming, and cussing people. I have tried for so many years to figure out why I am the way that I am. Why in my moments of weakness, I am beyond weak. I give in at the drop of a hat. One bad day, one bad moment, its all over. I stub my toe on the desk and I'm immediately craving a cookie. How do you teach an old dog new tricks? For 27 years my brain has been wired this way. I have given in time after time, I allow myself to fail. I still get incredibly pissed, lecture myself, and then apparently develop a spout of amenesia about said lecture and eat the whole house.
I don't know at what moment enough will be enough. We are built to fail, but we are also built to succeed. And with success comes failure. I am impatient. When I want something, I want it NOW. I'm an only child, sue me. We live in a world where at the click of a button we get instant gratification. I feel like that really sets you up for disappointment. $200 worth of groceries in a click, hell, they'll even put that crap in your trunk, you don't even have undo your seatbelt. But where's my personal Chef who is going to cook all the healthy foods for me?
I always think to myself, well if I had all the moneys, I would have a chef and he would only cook me healthy meals and I would work out 9 hours a day and blah blah blah.
But in this fake reality I have conjured up, the actual fake reality would probably be I actually just have a Taco Bell attached to my garage.. Gah, even the alternate reality me is fat.
I think accepting yourself in all of your damaged glory happens in steps and different sections.
And I think you can accept yourself but still want Better and still strive for better. There's a difference between acceptance and complacency, at least in my opinion.
I accept the person that I am. I accept that I am a compulsive, narotic, controlling, judgey asshole. I am constantly wanting to be better and to do better. I don't think thats not accepting, I think that's more of just human nature, at least most humans.. "better, faster, stronger" And I see that in all aspects of myself. Not just weight loss. People say be who you want to be, look how you want to look, not how society thinks you should be. And I mean it could just be me, I want to look a certain way, but it's the way I want to look. It's not because society told me to look that way, it's what I find attractive. And I dont think there's anything wrong with that. I think the world has built this notion of what is attractive and what is not attractive, spun it and now you're shamed for liking something and for not liking something.
You do you, boo boo.
Anyways lets get real.
I have have fallen off the wagon.. like so far off. I fell off the wagon, over the side of a cliff, down a steep embankment, onto another wagon, and then fell off that wagon.
I have eaten like eating food is becoming extinct.
I have gained fifteen pounds.
FIFTEEN.
I haven't worked out.
You know like when your sitting/Haf way laying down on the couch and you go to get up, and you have to like rock back and forth full force a few times to get up? That is how I currently feel. Like I'm rocking back and forth full force, but i am going absolutely no where. I mean i can imagine its pretty funny to watch, but it kinds sucks. Damn Rollie Pollue Ollie over here.
It's a hump that I never get over.
An unrealistic goal ill never meet.
Faith. You always have to have faith.
And i do. After all this crap, I still have faith that one day it'll be different.
So, here i am. Picking my fat ass off the floor, for the 927496350127307102361847102 millionth time.
Because February is the new January. And starting over is always a good idea on a Monday. Ill find something that works. Something that sticks and makes me not want to give up after five minutes.
Because I can accept myself in all my damaged glory and still want more.
And on that note, i bid you adieu.
No comments:
Post a Comment