A downward spiral

So lets talk downward spirals. 

I can always feel them coming, a lot of times they are inevitable. 

Its filled with a lot of depression, anxiety, and bloat. 

I am not a person who deals with stress and anxiety very well. My coping mechanisms involve a lot of Taco Bell and sweet tea. 

I dig a small hole, and then just keep going. 

"It puts the lotion on the skin." 

Except theres no creepy man in a woman robe yelling at me. 

Just me, myself and I. 

Trying to dig my way out, but the walls keep crumbling down. 

I know, thats a super dramatic representation, maybe I was made for the theater. 

When I get like this, I am lost. 

I know what to do, but its like I cant grasp it. Almost like becoming immobile. Its arms length in front of me, but someone cut off my arms. 

The bad thing about downward spirals, is I always hit rock bottom. 

Which is usually 20 steps behind the 10 steps I took before. 

I don't like feeling weak. Feeling weak makes me feel helpless. 

I know that I can do it, Ive done it before. 

At what point do you become stronger than your doubts and fears. I find failure to be inevitable. I allow myself to fail. Which really doesn't make sense, because obviously I want to succeed. Everyone WANTS to succeed. I guess failing is familiar. I know the routine. I know how to fail. But I don't know how to succeed, or at least keep succeeding. Familiarity is not scary. 

If I could learn to punch my inner self in the face or possibly tie her up, I gladly would. But what is so scary about succeeding? What is so scary about being happy in your own skin or liking what you see in the mirror? The obvious answer is nothing. Maybe its not so obvious? If anyone has any insight, I'm all ears. 

Complacency is comfortable. Freedom is comfortable. 

By freedom I mean doing what you want, eating what you want, not having to work out. 

However, having clothes that don't fit, not being able to do a sit up because your belly gets in the way, is NOT comfortable. 

So wheres the line? Whats the magic number? At what point does it click, or at least stay clicked. Struggling is a part of life, I want to defeat the struggle. I don't want it to define me any more. I want to prove MYSELF wrong. 

I'm being cliche and staring over, tomorrow. On the New Year. 

I have plans in my head, they aren't laid out, but they are there. 

The thought of being healthy and doing what I need to do, gives me extreme anxiety. 

Its so easy to just be lazy. Its not easy being fat. It also sucks, HARD. 

I'm ready, but not ready to start again. My kids deserve to have a mom that has energy and can keep up with them running in the yard. Most importantly, they deserve to have a mommy be around as long as possible.