I'm not okay.

Here I am again, lost. 

On this repetitive cycle.

I'm laying here on the couch, listening to soulful music. My brain going a million miles an hour. I spent most of the day searching for podcasts on psychology and trauma. I keep a lot of things in my head because I feel it burdens others, or makes others feel down. But, as you know, this is my safe haven. 

I am not okay right now. And I wonder if I am ever 'okay', or if I am just numb? I suppress so many feelings and emotions, that they all come flooding out at once. We are taught to be strong, we are taught that life goes on. And it does, ultimately. But, I can't help but find myself in an absolute stand still. It always comes back to one thing. The pain that was afflicted on me as a young child. It's not something that can be forgotten, or moved on from so easily. Believe me, I have tried for 10 years now. I have masked so many thing, found things that would appease the hole that has been created. Its just a patch, and eventually it all comes crumbling down. I fight myself every day to push through and just keep going, which is what I should do. But, I shouldn't have to fight myself. Every. Single. Day. Thats not okay, and thats not a life to live. I shouldn't have to think about my shortcomings or why I'm not good enough multiple times a day. I was listening to a podcast today about a woman who was sexually abused for years. She made the statement that she was "dirty", used up and unwanted. And I don't think that I have ever realized that that is how I feel. When you look in the mirror, and all you see is how someone made you feel, you give up. And no matter how many times you tell yourself you're wrong, you can always convince yourself otherwise. I crave to be mentally healthy, I want to live a life where I don't need medication to get me through the day. I don't want to be dependent on my antidepressants. Missing a day of those, I might as well just not get out of bed. When I have my seasons, I am constantly searching for something to make it better. To help me out of the slump, something I can look forward to. I have built up anger. With every year that passes, more and more anger piles up. I'm angry that this pain was forced on me. I'm angry that I can't handle it. I'm angry that I can't get passed it. I'm angry that it consumes me. 

Mental health is the start of physical health. I want so bad to be both. 

I don't want to be seen as a victim. Victims are always portrayed as weak. I think that is partially what makes me weak. I've put on my brave face for years. You get certain looks as a victim, you know the face that you make when you see those PETA commercials? It also makes for awkward conversation, which only makes it harder to talk about. I have always been extremely transparent on here. 

Let me tell you the thoughts that I have as a 'victim'.

I am dirty. I am broken. I am unlovable. I don't get choices. I'm not meant to live a happy life. Looking in the mirror, thats as good as its going to get. Whats the point, you'll never be happy with yourself. I've talked about this too many times, I don't want to get on peoples nerves. Its too uncomfortable to talk about. 

I let it happen. I didn't stop it, I didn't tell. I kept going back. There has to be something wrong with me to allow this to happen. I am beyond damaged to be fixed. 

I scream at myself. What is so wrong in my brain that I can't move on? Peace within yourself shouldn't be this hard. 

I try to remember to appreciate all of the things that have fallen into place. The hate always consumes the appreciation. "It only does if you let it". Yeah.. Tell me how you don't let it? Because I've tried more than one way to fix this. I have pushed myself, I have cried, I have acted out, I have went to counseling.. What more can I do?