I have numerous fears. A lot of irrational fears. Especially since having Hudson.
I guess they can be called "Mommy Fears"
The other fears consist of dying, the death of a close one, and roaches.
I am pretty sure that I have already discussed fears before. I am too lazy to go back.
I realized the other day, I have another fear.
The fear of being Hungry.
I went to a Bariatric Counselor last week. We discussed my bariatric diet, well lack there of.
During this conversation she gave me a list of things that I should eat.
And that I should eat 5-6 times a day.
I asked, "What if I'm still hungry?"
She gave me a look and said, "And? What if you are, what is it to be hungry?"
For a fat person? Everything. It's like a painful emptiness.
Empty.
Then she told me the worst possible thing.
"You do not eat to satisfy hunger, you eat for nutrition."
Yeah, I know. Crazy thing I have ever heard too.
For 24 years, I have eaten to satisfy everything and anything.
I eat to satisfy hunger. I eat to satisfy anger, sadness, happiness, loneliness.. really all the ness'.
That news to me, is devastating.
I don't know how to eat for nutrition.
One part of my brain knows how, the other doesn't
Why can't they just be friends?
I know how to eat to satisfy the hunger.
In fact, I go one step further. I eat to over fill.
You need food to survive.
I love food. Next to my family and friends, food is my favorite.
Its my hobby.
I need to try for me and for my son.
I guess they can be called "Mommy Fears"
The other fears consist of dying, the death of a close one, and roaches.
I am pretty sure that I have already discussed fears before. I am too lazy to go back.
I realized the other day, I have another fear.
The fear of being Hungry.
I went to a Bariatric Counselor last week. We discussed my bariatric diet, well lack there of.
During this conversation she gave me a list of things that I should eat.
And that I should eat 5-6 times a day.
I asked, "What if I'm still hungry?"
She gave me a look and said, "And? What if you are, what is it to be hungry?"
For a fat person? Everything. It's like a painful emptiness.
Empty.
Then she told me the worst possible thing.
"You do not eat to satisfy hunger, you eat for nutrition."
Yeah, I know. Crazy thing I have ever heard too.
For 24 years, I have eaten to satisfy everything and anything.
I eat to satisfy hunger. I eat to satisfy anger, sadness, happiness, loneliness.. really all the ness'.
That news to me, is devastating.
I don't know how to eat for nutrition.
One part of my brain knows how, the other doesn't
Why can't they just be friends?
I know how to eat to satisfy the hunger.
In fact, I go one step further. I eat to over fill.
Why? I wish I knew. I wish I knew why.
And more than anything, I wish that I could change it over night.
I truly believe that food addiction is the worst addiction.You need food to survive.
I love food. Next to my family and friends, food is my favorite.
Its my hobby.
Crafting and eating.
I want to know how to eat for nutrition. I need the push. I need to try. I need to try for me and for my son.
I will try.
I want the feelings and drive I had last year.
Every day is a new day. Lets begin again.
I am letting go. Starting now.
And I'm closing it.
And on that note, I bid you adieu.
I really believe i have an addiction to food. I've never said it before. But I could eat at anytime of day hungry or not and eat everything in front of me. Then I glare at my skinny friend who eats two bites of sushi and says she's stuffed(eye roll). They don't get it. I love food and it fills a void. But I am trying to do whole 30 again. I weighed myself and was so surprised how much the number was. I'm the heaviest I've ever been. I do believe we eat for nutrition. But I also believe that if we are eating the right things we won't be hungry. Because to me the feeling of being hungry equals failure because I will give in to hunger
ReplyDeleteLove that your blogging again!
Hunger is such a complicated feeling. I honestly don't know what content feels like. I know what I about to puke my guts out feels like. Its a never ending battle. and itll never get any easier. Thank you!!
DeleteFood is hard. It's not an addiction that you can just step away from. You have to face it each and every day. Through time and effort, it is possible. You've got this :)
ReplyDeleteIt is hard, so hard. But, nothing ever comes easy! One day, one day! that's all I have to keep repeating lol
Delete