Self Love.

I have made extreme progress these past few weeks, eating wise. 

I eat half of what I used to and I stop when I am full. Usually, if I put something on my plate, or go through the drive thru, I almost feel deprived if I don't eat the whole thing. It has nothing to do with wasting the food, or wasting the money that was spent on food. Its just the simple fact that food runs my life, and if I don't eat it all, I feel like something will be missing from me. 

I can't tell you how many times I re-read my blogs. My thoughts are always, "Is this girl serious? IT'S JUST FOOD." I can only imagine the thoughts that some people have. I know how ridiculous it is. Believe me, I live it every single day. 

I am my absolute own worst enemy. I criticize everything I do. 

I self sabotage. Why? 

Since I was young, I have felt that I was unworthy of love. I would like someone so much, and of course they wouldn't like me because of my weight. I remember in fourth grade I was absolutely in "love" with one of my best friends. We hung out constantly at school. We went on a field trip to a water park, and we were floating next to each other, 'flirting' of course. And I remember his sister and her friends saying how cute of a couple we would make, and right after they said that, he pushed my float away. (the me now would have throat punched him). I felt like he liked me, it was kinda obvious. So, I got one of our mutual friends to ask him. His response? "Yeah, but I would never go out with her because she's fat". Uhmmmmm well okayyyy. Dick. 

This happened with literally every guy I liked. And hey, I get it. You're attracted to what you're attracted to. I'm not hating on people who don't want to date 'fat' people. But, jokes on you because fat people are hilarious. 

In all seriousness, theres so many things that led to my "demise". Rejection after rejection and the abuse I endured slowly diminished my self esteem. No one wanted me any way, so why not just comfort myself with all the foods. It was almost like I was building a shield around myself. This person doesn't love me, but that Chicken Express sure does. In hind sight, its almost like I welcomed the rejection. Like I needed to constantly remind myself that I was 'unlovable'. 

Life is so backwards. Why are we GLUTTONS for punishment? (see what I did there?)

When I met my husband, I couldn't believe that someone could love me that much. I still question it. It has absolutely nothing to do with him. He shows me every single day how much he loves me. 

The issues is with me. I fight with myself every day. It is still so hard for me to except that someone could love me. 

Now, if I were reading this from someone other than myself, I would slap them. 

I can build my friends up when they are down. I can see the absolute good in them, even when they can't. When I try to see the good in myself, I always let the bad outweigh the good. 

I have been holding onto so much for so long, I thought that I had learned to live with it. 

This past month has taught me otherwise. 

I had never talked about what happened to me because I felt complete shame. I felt that people would judge me because I "allowed" this to happen. I didn't want to burden anyone with my pain, or make it awkward for them. I felt sorry for other people. 

I was the victim, and then became my own victim. Yes, I was abused. But no amount of pain that someone else can inflict on me, can amount to the pain I can inflict on myself. 

I have felt every single emotion this past month. Going from completely fine to completely broken all within a months time is so confusing. The only thing I can think is that everything I have kept inside of me for all the years has been building and building, and finally it just exploded. 

I am trying to be more open and honest, not only with myself but with everyone around me. 

I am trying to understand that I am not a burden to those who love me. 

That asking for help is okay.

That talking about it is okay. 

That my abuse was not my fault, and I should let go of all this shame. 

That I can love myself. 

Finding self love is one of the most beneficial things you can do for yourself. 

Its easy to love others, its the hardest to love yourself.

I didn't realize how free I could be. I still hold onto so much hurt, but I am learning to deal with It in healthier ways than binging on any and everything. 

Like everything, it is going to take time. And like I have said before, when I want something I want it now. This can't and wont be the case. I am trying to accept that. I can give up like I always do, but look where that has gotten me. 

I am more than a victim. 

I am more than my weight. 

I am more than my pain.

And I am more than worthy of love. 

"It's not your fault and you aren't less than enough. You aren't what they did to you. You aren't the person that grew in all crooked and bent under the pressure of what happened to you. You aren't the awkwardness that came from being stepped on and over-pruned. You are the spirit that survived. You are the deep roots that continued to grow beneath the surface even when you were outwardly rejected. You are the life that went on despite being mowed over time and time again. You are the beauty that remained, waiting patiently for the right time to bloom. And now, because you held on even when the world turned away, your strength and compassion are the kind that know no end. You, my dear, are so much more than enough. You are exceptional-because you survived, because you beat the odds, because you are a warrior, a self-taught healer, and because now you have become a beacon of hope for others who suffered like you." Cristen Rodgers

And on that note, I must bid you adieu.

Small Goals

As you can see, I have made a few changes to my design layout. 

I still plan on working on my weight of course, because that will always be a huge topic. 

But, now that I have two littles and a husband, its not all about me any more. 

So, Happily Holland it is. 

I like a quick fix. Instant gratification. 

Hence why I have had two weight loss surgeries. 

I have zero patience, when I want something, I want it like yesterday. 

And this is about 85% of the reason that I give up after about one day of trying to lose weight. 

Another reason would be that I am constantly hungry. A hour after eating I already feel like I am withering away.
I think one of my biggest issues is fear.
Fear of failure, mostly. Or maybe fear of succeeding and then failing again?
I was talking to a friend today about why we can't just get our stuff together and do what needs to be done. What deep seeded issues are we holding onto? I am trying to get to the root of mine. Obviously I have experienced my fair share of 'trauma', and clearly have issues. Retraining your brain to do something that you have done almost every day of your whole life seems impossible. The whole line "You can't teach an old dog new tricks", rains true in this situation. I can wake up thinking I am 100% going to eat healthy today, and then literally five seconds later I am in the drive thru to get donuts. Like I forgot that I was supposed to be eating egg whites and turkey bacon. Then I realize what I have done after I have stuffed myself with donut holes and pigs in a blanket. By this point of course, its wayyy too late to start eating healthy. I mean my whole day is ruined, it won't count. And the only day to start is on a Monday, so Ill just restart next Monday. Do you know how many times "I'll start Monday" has come out of my mouth? Because I don't.
 I feel like that is so relatable to so many people.

^ I mean they've made memes about it.
What I am slowly starting to learn is that, you really don't have to start on a Monday.
I know, blasphemy.
I can hardly believe it myself.
But, this time, I "started" on a Wednesday.
I am not going to lie, I am taking Phentermine. It had never worked for me in the past, but I thought why not give it another go. And let me tell you my experience so far.
I get hungry, but never to the point of I want to eat the whole house.
And when I do eat, I don't really eat a lot. I stay full for a little longer than usual. I don't constantly think about food, I have had one or two cravings, but they go away. Before these past couple of weeks, I would think about whatever it was that I was craving, it would literally engulf my mind. And I HAD to have it.
Now I don't know if this is the medicine working, or if its the relief that I have felt of finally admitting out loud how I truly felt about my past. Or, it could be both.
Food has been my absolute crutch for everything. There have been so many times where I have had a bad day at work, or just at home that I tell my husband I don't care what you eat tonight, but I NEED to have blah blah blah. Food is literally my Xanax.
Nothing makes me feel better than food, and nothing makes me feel worse. I am strong person, I have dealt with and been through some shit that no person should ever have to deal with, especially at such a young age. I think I turned to food because I could control it in a sense. Like it wouldn't let me down. I mean when does cheese fries EVER let anyone down? I now realize that food controls me. I see so many people out there who judge people for being bigger, "just stop eating all the fatty foods, work out, blah blah blah." When you have an addiction, its not that easy to just quiet it. There are so many drug addicts and alcoholics that relapse, most more than once or twice. You can sit there and say that food is no comparison to a drug addiction, but you obviously don't have an eating addiction.
You don't need drugs and alcohol to survive, but you do need food.
Currently, I am living in constant fear that I will cave and forget that I am trying to make changes for the better. TERRIFIED.
I am terrified of myself. I am terrified of every single fast food restaurant I pass, of every piece of junk food in this house.
I went to get my hair cut today in Fort Worth, which we all know has way better eating options than Cleburne or Joshua. I had to just keep my eyes straight.
My amazing counselor said that it is okay to have certain things. That I should be able to eat whatever I want, just in moderation. And I agree, but my mind doesn't know moderation. And if I try moderation, I just end up going down hill.
Now, don't let me fool you. I'm not eating baked chicken and broccoli. I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with Cheetos for lunch today, which is a heck of a lot better than a buttery jack and a large curly fry. I still have not binged. I think that is what my main focus is right now. I have to take it one step at a time. Jumping in all at once just sets me up for failure. The two steps that I take forward, will turn into 20 steps back. It seems when I make progress and lose about 5 pounds, I will turn around and gain about 15 within a month. A MONTH. No part of that is healthy.
Trying to find a balance when you're a mother is extremely hard. My childrens needs ALWAYS come before mine. I make sure they are taken care of before I do anything with myself. I look like a homeless person 90% of the time. Finding "me" time as a mother is almost impossible. I feel guilty when I do something for myself. After my counseling appointment this week, I went to get some new clothes with a gift card that I have been holding onto since Christmas, and the whole time I was gone, I was thinking about the kids and hoping that they weren't fussing or being bad for Dayton. I take five minute showers because I hear phantom cries and think something is wrong with one of them, or because Hudson tries open the shower curtain and get water every where.
And I know thats pretty much every mother out there. I know that its okay to put myself first sometimes. It is just easier said than done.

I am going to set small goals for myself. And right now, none of them are going to be weight loss goals. I want to set 'healthy mind goals'. I need to start at the top and work my way down to the mid section. If I lose weight in the process, then thats obviously welcomed. It is literally going to have to be one step at a time with me. Going all in hasn't worked for me in the past, it only sets me up for failure.

I know it will take time, and time is our biggest enemy. But, I can do or do not, the time will pass either way.

And on that note, I bid you adieu.

Emotions and stuff.

I don't know why I keep saying "I'm back" and then... I'm not. 

Blogging is something I used to really enjoy. But, with two kids under three, everything gets pushed under the rug. So, I will say that I MIGHT be back, pending if my children let me or not. 

A little update: 

I had my sweet baby girl. Her name is Ava Reece. She is now 10 months old, she is a little chunk, poor thing gets that from her mama. Hudson is the best big brother. He is so gentle with her and loves to make her laugh. Ava thinks he hung the moon, I am going to cherish these days; I know that one day it will be completely different. 

Now down to the nitty gritty. 

Over the past month, I have been emotionally exhausted. 

If you have followed my blog, you know a little bit about my past, but if you haven't I will give you a brief history. 

When I was twelve years old I was sexually abused by my father. It went on for several years until he was arrested and convicted. 

Following these events, I crawled into a dark hole. Depression doesn't even describe how I was feeling. You never think that something bad could happen to you, until it does. And you never believe someone who is supposed to be your protector and safe haven would be the one to hurt you the most. 

I was confused and in a tremendous amount of pain. 

The pain lasted for a long time. 

To say I didn't deal with it in a healthy way is an extreme understatement.

I was lost and tried to do anything and everything I could to find myself and fill the hole I had in my chest. I seeked companionship form all the wrong people. I lowered myself because I felt that I wasn't worthy of anything special. My self esteem was non existent. 

And now, almost ten years later, I am a better person. 

That sounds off. "I am a better person because of this horrible thing the that happened to me". 

I wouldn't say that I am thankful for the situation. But I am thankful for the things that have come out of it. 

Over the past few months, the pain has slowly crept back in. I have let it effect me in more ways than I would like to admit. I slowly felt myself crawling back into the dark hole. And if you have ever been in a dark hole, you know the fear I felt. The fear of complete darkness. When I wasn't crying, I was completely numb. I can't really explain why, because I don't know why. 

My anxiety was and still is running extremely high. 

I have two beautiful children, and an amazing husband. So why was I feeling this way? 

I immediately called my doctor to up my depression medications. I didn't want my depression to effect me being a good mother, or a good wife. 

I contemplated getting weight loss surgery AGAIN. For the THIRD time. 

And then I ask myself "What is so wrong in your head that you have failed two, what is supposed to be life changing surgeries?" I can't find the answer. The emotional connection that I have with food is indescribable. I love food more than I love myself. How is that okay? I am supposed to love myself more than anything (besides my children). Every thought process that I have in my head revolves around food. I think about it from the moment I wake up, until the moment I go to sleep. I can seriously eat my weight in Nutty Bars, and I think I've made that a challenge for myself. I will get a whole box, like the jumbo box, and eat them all within a day to two days. I don't even want to know how many calories are in those things. While eating, I get the absolute biggest high. And then after, I go back to hating myself. And thinking of how disgusting and weak I am. Which resorts to eating again, it is a never. ending. cycle. 

I know what I need to do to correct it, at least I think I do. 

I know what I NEED to eat. But eating healthy, makes me just as depressed as being fat. 

And I know I know, choose your hard. 

But its not that simple. And let me tell you why. 

Last week I chose to do something that I brushed off so many times in the past, because I thought that I didn't need it, or that it wouldn't help me. 

I went to counselor. 

I felt that maybe if I go talk to someone, someone who didn't know me. Who didn't have any bias against me, who wouldn't judge what I was feeling or had been through because chances are they have heard way worse. 

I told her my whole story. I told her things I have NEVER said out loud before. 

After hearing my story and my thoughts about my weight, and weight loss surgery. 

She said to me that no amount of weight loss surgery will help me because I have a binge eating disorder. 

I knew what I was doing was eating a lot, all the time. I knew that I was unhealthy both physically and mentally. And I knew that no matter how hard I tried I couldn't sort through my feelings by myself any more.  But, a binge eating disorder never crossed my mind. 

After voicing my thoughts that I have held onto for almost ten years, I feel relief. 

Like this heavy burden has been lifted off of me, I can breathe. 

Can you imagine feeling like your drowning for years? 

I can never get those years back. 

But, I can learn from them. 

On my very first session I felt change. 

I haven't binged as much, it feels like barely at all. 

(I did eat a whole box of nutty bars the other day, but we won't talk about that.)

Every day I am feeling like food is just food. 

My usual go to foods, don't sound good to me any more. 

All I can do from here is move forward. 

I can't let what someone did to me effect me in an unhealthy way any more. 

I live with it every day, its not going to go away. 

But I need to learn to live with it in a different way, because this way isn't doing me any favors. 

Sometimes the shame that I feel is so overwhelming. 

Shame about myself, about my past, and about what has happened to me that I had ZERO control over.

I feel like part of letting go of my shame is to talk about it. (Or write)

Because I can't be ashamed any more. 

This is my story, and I get to decide how the rest is written.

And on that note, I must bid you adieu.