I can't tell you how many times I have attempted to write this post.
I get in the middle of writing, something comes up, I stop, come back the next day. After re-reading what I had wrote, I delete it. It's a new day. I have umpteen new feelings.
One consistent feeling that I have been having over the past few weeks, is worry.
An instance happened, not in my life, but in an others, that really made me think.
ANYTHING can happen. It doesn't matter who, what, where, when or how, it can happen. I took it very personally, given the situation I am in.
This is the single most stressful thing I have ever gone through.
Growing a human is like something I could've never imagined.
I come up with all sorts of scenarios in my head. I won't share them, because I am sure someone would report me to the psych ward.
I worry that I don't feel him enough. I worry if I have a growing pain. I worry that I am leaking fluid. I worry that the cord is going to wrap around his neck. I worry every possible worry there is to worry about while pregnant.
When I was younger, people would ask "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Well, I honestly never knew. I came up with sonography. Why? Because one day, after I had surgery on my foot? Maybe? A lady had told me that her daughter had went to school for that. I think I was ten. After that day, I just rolled with it. I never WANTED to do it, it just sounded good. Then it became, a nurse, a day care owner, back to nurse, then teacher.
The one thing that I have ALWAYS, for certain, known is that I wanted to be a Mom.
That is truly all I have ever wanted. I wanted a girl. I wanted that bond that my mother and I have. I wanted to share that with a mini me. I wanted to show that little girl, all the love in the whole world. Teach her to be strong, teach her how to love without boundaries, teach her how to be independant. All my life, it has been my mother and I. My mother and father didn't get a divorce until I was about 9-10ish. Even then, he was never around. He was at work, and when he wasn't there, he was sleeping.
After everything happened with him, I felt that I was better off.
After looking back at my childhood, I realized that my mom, was in fact, my mother and my father. She was what held me. She supported me, in every way. I think that has made me the woman that I am today. I didn't NEED my father. I didn't NEED a man to support me. For the longest time, I would always think, if I had a baby right now, I would raise her on my own. Because you don't NEED a father figure. Because I didn't NEED my father, he wasn't there for me. My MOTHER taught me.
I honestly never thought I would get married. I don't know why. Just never did.
Now that I have grown up, I see things in a different light.
Up until last year, I wanted a girl. More than anything.
And then, Sara had Kynlee.
My heart changed. I was supposed to have the girl, she the boy. And they were supposed to get married.
Now, that would be considered incest.
I don't know why my heart changed.
But, I do know this.
God gave me this boy.
To raise him into a man. A man that will know right from wrong.
That will be a gentleman.
That will take care of all of those who enter his life.
To never hurt nor neglect his family.
To love without boundaries.
To put others first.
To be just like HIS daddy.
The way a man is supposed to be.
He's not even here yet, and the love I have for him, is greater than anything I have ever felt.
Every ache is worth it.
Every kick, every flutter, every other weird feeling I have in my stomach, is the greatest feeling.
I am who he counts on. From 24 weeks ago, for the rest of my life.
And on that note, I must bid you adieu.
I get in the middle of writing, something comes up, I stop, come back the next day. After re-reading what I had wrote, I delete it. It's a new day. I have umpteen new feelings.
One consistent feeling that I have been having over the past few weeks, is worry.
An instance happened, not in my life, but in an others, that really made me think.
ANYTHING can happen. It doesn't matter who, what, where, when or how, it can happen. I took it very personally, given the situation I am in.
This is the single most stressful thing I have ever gone through.
Growing a human is like something I could've never imagined.
I come up with all sorts of scenarios in my head. I won't share them, because I am sure someone would report me to the psych ward.
I worry that I don't feel him enough. I worry if I have a growing pain. I worry that I am leaking fluid. I worry that the cord is going to wrap around his neck. I worry every possible worry there is to worry about while pregnant.
When I was younger, people would ask "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Well, I honestly never knew. I came up with sonography. Why? Because one day, after I had surgery on my foot? Maybe? A lady had told me that her daughter had went to school for that. I think I was ten. After that day, I just rolled with it. I never WANTED to do it, it just sounded good. Then it became, a nurse, a day care owner, back to nurse, then teacher.
The one thing that I have ALWAYS, for certain, known is that I wanted to be a Mom.
That is truly all I have ever wanted. I wanted a girl. I wanted that bond that my mother and I have. I wanted to share that with a mini me. I wanted to show that little girl, all the love in the whole world. Teach her to be strong, teach her how to love without boundaries, teach her how to be independant. All my life, it has been my mother and I. My mother and father didn't get a divorce until I was about 9-10ish. Even then, he was never around. He was at work, and when he wasn't there, he was sleeping.
After everything happened with him, I felt that I was better off.
After looking back at my childhood, I realized that my mom, was in fact, my mother and my father. She was what held me. She supported me, in every way. I think that has made me the woman that I am today. I didn't NEED my father. I didn't NEED a man to support me. For the longest time, I would always think, if I had a baby right now, I would raise her on my own. Because you don't NEED a father figure. Because I didn't NEED my father, he wasn't there for me. My MOTHER taught me.
I honestly never thought I would get married. I don't know why. Just never did.
Now that I have grown up, I see things in a different light.
Up until last year, I wanted a girl. More than anything.
And then, Sara had Kynlee.
My heart changed. I was supposed to have the girl, she the boy. And they were supposed to get married.
Now, that would be considered incest.
I don't know why my heart changed.
But, I do know this.
God gave me this boy.
To raise him into a man. A man that will know right from wrong.
That will be a gentleman.
That will take care of all of those who enter his life.
To never hurt nor neglect his family.
To love without boundaries.
To put others first.
To be just like HIS daddy.
The way a man is supposed to be.
He's not even here yet, and the love I have for him, is greater than anything I have ever felt.
Every ache is worth it.
Every kick, every flutter, every other weird feeling I have in my stomach, is the greatest feeling.
I am who he counts on. From 24 weeks ago, for the rest of my life.
And on that note, I must bid you adieu.
